Aug scan results

The scan results are in, and it is not exactly what I wanted to hear.  There is the good news that the tumor has not increased in size and there is no spread to other areas of my body, but the tumor has substantially increased in it's activity.  The PET scan showed a brighter uptake which is a move in the wrong direction.  This is disturbing in that I was hoping for continuing movement in the direction of dormancy and shrinkage so that there might be the hope of treatment modification or secession in the near future.  I began my ninth course of treatment yesterday.

This kind of news brings about a trust test.  Do I really trust God in the midst of this cauldron of agitated thoughts and emotions.  I know that in the long term, yes, absolutely I do for: "The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup, you hold my lot,  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5 & 6)  David continues a couple of verses later: "Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices, my flesh also dwells secure.  For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption." (vs 9 & 10)


It is in the short term that I sometimes struggle.  I want so much to be able to leave the life of chemotherapy, and the symptoms that alter my life, behind.  But when I receive news such as yesterday's it takes a little bit out of me.  I ask "When, O God, when will I be able to see a light at the end of this treatment tunnel?"  I think he tells me that it is not for me to know or to have too high an expectation.  It is for me to walk through it, with Him holding my hand, trusting in His providential will for my life.  Sometimes this is hard within the context of day to day living with this disease.   So I pray, "God give me the faith I need to fully trust you every day, in every moment." 


So as I wait upon the LORD is take comfort in the word of Isaiah as he says: "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.


Grace and peace,


Eddie
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Birthday Installment

Wow, another year on the calendar of my life today.  I'm double nickels.  God has been so gracious throughout this difficult time. 

As I reflect on this trying season of life I appreciate what David wrote in the 23rd Psalm with a sense of experience.  He writes, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  I have, and continue to, walk in that valley of the very real shadow of death, yet I am comforted by him as I read his word and speak with him in prayer.  This is living in the constant reality of my desperate need for God.

David finishes the Psalm with the glory of the promise. With these words he provides us with an insight to the glory coming, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of  the LORD forever".  Amen I say, Amen!  Such a blessed hope we have in the promise of God through Jesus.
 
As I write this it is 2:00 am.  I have not been able to sleep and yet in the reflection of this Psalm I am comforted and at peace.  Sometimes it is difficult to shut the mind down thinking about the future but the promises of God are real and true providing life lessons on trust in the midst of trials.  And how I trust him.

Hope everyone has a great day today.  May goodness and mercy follow you.  I look forward to next year's birthday installment. 


Grace and peace,
Eddie

San Clemente mini-holiday

Vanessa and I had the opportunity to take in the cool ocean breezes of San Clemente California last week for a short mini-holiday (3 days).  I can't tell you how refreshing this was, especially for me.  The girls had plans for a vacation in So. California to escape the scorching Oklahoma heat, so we decided, on kind of a whim, to meet them there for a few days. I was in the middle of the eighth course of treatment but felt rejuvenated by the eternal rhythm of the Pacific Ocean, the fresh, cool air and being in the company of those I love. Our souls were refreshed as we soaked up the precious gift of being together in a beautiful setting that reminded us of God's love in creation and His care for us.

While we were enjoying our little sojourn, the boys were at church high school camp in, of all places, Malibu, California.  So the whole family had a little beach time and we all are so grateful for it.  Matt and Clint had a wonderful time of fun, games, playing in the ocean and spiritual development. 

I am currently between treatments awaiting scans this week, Wednesday, August 3rd.  This can be a rather nerve wrecking time as you always wonder if all you go through is having a positive effect on the disease.  Please pray for me as I anticipate the scans, for good results, and for developing a plan for future treatment, which is rather open-ended at this time.  I am scheduled for course nine starting August 9th., which is the same day that I find out the results of the scans.  


I will update this blog after I learn of the results of the scans.  No matter the results I remind myself of a saying that my friend John Maisel always said: life is hard, God is good, and glory is coming.


Grace and Peace to all.


Eddie

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Sun's hot, Summer's on...

Wow, this month has just flown by.  We returned form our Texas/Oklahoma wanderings followed shortly by a weekend in Flagstaff for Eddie and Vanessa, and a short trip to San Diego to see "Switchfoot" in concert for the boys and their cousin.

Course seven of "camp chemo" has been completed this past Monday.  Since being removed from treatment for six weeks and slowly having the residual effects dissipated over the course of that time, I was just beginning to feel normal, or as normal as I have felt within the past 9 months.  Well, it didn't take long to find myself back in the all too familiar world of chemo symptoms and their ability to restrict your activities to those that would be familiar to a three-toed sloth.


Clint is off tomorrow for work camp at Mountain Meadows outside of Payson on the Mogollon RIm.  It should be beautiful up there in cool pines and away from the incessant glowing nuclear orb affixed directly over our house bringing temperatures not fitted for man nor beast nor devil from hell.


We are coming close to the celebration of the founding of our great nation and the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  May we keep the intent and purpose of our revolution close to our hearts as we celebrate another year of American freedom under the greatest of governments founded under republican structure and form in history.  May God's blessing remain on us throughout this coming year.  


Matthew 5:14-16;  "You are the light of the world,  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden,  15  Nor do people light a lamp and put in under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  16  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."


May we Americans remember, especially during this time of reflection and celebration, to be that light of the world in righteousness for the glory of our Father in Heaven. 


Peace and Grace


EL

Texas travels.

The sun has "riz" and the sun has set, and here I is, in Texas yet.  Yes, this is the old saying that kept coming to mind as I, and the family, traversed the miles and miles of openness of west Texas on our way to Dallas, and our much looked forward to reunion with family.  Well, we made it, after an overnight in Big Spring, in time for a festive and enjoyable Memorial Day with friends and kin.

It has been so good to get away from the routine of hospitals, doctors and treatments of the past 8 months or so.  It's like living a regular life.  And I have come to appreciate a regular life like never before.  We are staying with my folks (Ed and Norma) which has been great, especially for the boys who don't get to see grandma and grandpa very often.  Ed got "fired" from hospice as his condition has not worsened over the past year. It is actually a good thing when hospice takes away their hospital bed and says you are no longer in a condition that requires their services, although he does miss the weekly massages.

We leave for Oklahoma on Saturday for a few days with Nichole and Heather.  We haven't seen them for many months so we are looking forward to our time with them.  It will be a good time to catch up and see their new living accommodations.  Both have different homes than the last time we were there.  It will be a most joyous time!

God has been so good to us on this trip.  Please pray for continued travel safety and that I will be able to not lose ground on my condition.  I have been off treatment for almost 5 weeks now and am feeling almost back to normal with few treatment related issues, just a little residual nausea.  It is harder to maintain a fairly strict self-determined diet while on the road and visiting, but I have managed--with a little "cheating."  That cheating tasted so good.  Some ham, a little potato, a bite of bratwurst--so delicious!

That's it for now.  Hope the summer is going well for all.  I pray God's blessing on you.

Grace and peace,

Eddie

A needed break

Well, since my last blog I have completed the sixth course of chemotherapy, and have had the scans (CT and PET) that follow every other course.  It’s been two weeks since my last treatment and I am still not fully recovered from the side effects, but my doctor said that I could take a full month off to allow my body some time to recover.  Yippee!!!  I will resume treatments on the 13th of June.

We are going to take advantage of this time by taking the trip to Texas to see my family, and up to Oklahoma to see the girls.  We hope to depart on Saturday the 28th of May as school is out that week.

The results of last Friday’s scans (13 May) were positive.  While the CT scan showed little, if any, shrinkage of the tumor, the PET showed a substantial decrease in activity.  This scan shows what the cancer is doing and if it has spread anywhere else in the body.  Areas where the cancers are vigorous are “lit up” in this scan.  In comparing this scan with the last PET scan there was a dramatic decrease in the brightness and size of this “lit up” area, and there has been no spread of the cancer, which is always a concern.  I would say that if in the previous scan the brightness of this area was like a 100 watt bulb, the current scan seemed, to my unprofessional, but very hopeful eye, to be like perhaps a 40 watt bulb.  Words like dormant and inactive were used by my oncologist in regard to the current stage of the cancer. 

It looks like I can stay with the Mayo treatment plan as long as I want to, and as long as the results of treatment continue to be positive.  That's the news on the health front.

In my scripture reading today I came across Psalm 62: 5-8 which reads as follows:

          For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

                   for my hope is from him.

          He only is my rock and my salvation,

                   my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

          On God rests my salvation and glory,

                   my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

          Trust in him at all times, O people;

                   pour out your heart before him;

                   God is a refuge for us.

This speaks of God as being our hope, our fortress and our refuge.  From Him comes our salvation and glory,  As I realize this about Him I can trust Him with me, allowing my soul to take comfort in Him alone.  As I contemplate this psalm I am reminded of the great hymn of the faith “A Mighty Fortress” by Martin Luther which begins with the words: “A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing.”  He truly is never failing.

Grace and peace,

EL

My strength

Himmelblick 4.20.11

It’s been a while since I updated this blog, so I would like to let you all know what is happening with me.  This Monday I started my sixth course of chemotherapy.  It will end with a Monday, May 2^nd treatment.  Initially it was communicated to me that the trial was to be through six courses, which ends soon.  But now they are talking about planning a seventh, and beyond that I don’t know.  In any case I need to consider what comes after the trial.  I don’t know if at some point the administrators will decide that my contribution to the trial protocol is complete, or if they would allow me to continue on indefinitely, at my will.

The effects of the treatments seem to be cumulative in that each course gets harder and harder to recover from.  In fact, I never fully recovered between the fifth and this course.  The fatigue never went away, nor did the fevers.  No complaints from me though, I am just so happy to have this day, although I do, at times, get a little testy. 

We are hoping to make a trip to Texas and Oklahoma after the boys are out of school for the summer.  It will be great to see family and I desperately need a break from treatment to allow my body to recover.

I have been reading Psalm 18, and it speaks to me in my trust of God in this time of uncertainty.  The first six verses go like this:

         

I love you, O LORD, my strength

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompass me,

the torrents of destruction assailed me,

the cords of Sheol entangled me,

the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the LORD,

to my God I cried for help

From his temple he heard my voice,

and my cry to him reached his ears.

I am indeed in a time of distress as the “cords of death” and the “torrents of destruction” of this disease do encompass me.  But in this time of trouble and insecurity I call to him who hears and loves me.  He is my deliverer, both temporal and eternal, and I can place the full weight of my trust in him.  It is he who is worthy to be praised, especially in the midst of this troublesome season of life.  He is the strength that allows me to continue on this path, even in joy.  So I say, as does David in this Psalm, “I love you, O LORD, my strength”

Grace and Peace
EL

Family catch-up.

Many have asked me recently how the family is doing within our current reality.  This battle with cancer involves not only myself, but all those who live with me, and care for me.  I am trying real hard to not let my disease define how we all live.  The desire is to go about our day as close to normal-- as defined prior to the cancer diagnosis--as we possibly can.  Of course, our reality is quite different than before the diagnosis, and concessions must be made to the very existent battle that we engage in using some very powerful, and destructive, chemicals.  So with this introduction allow me to update you on the family, and how they are doing. 

Let’s start with the Van Horn girls.  There are two pieces of big news coming from Oklahoma.  Both Nichole and Heather are engaged to be married.  This is fantastic and we are so excited about two weddings in the near future.  Also, they both graduated from college last May, Yoohoo!!

Nichole is now 27.  How can that be?  Her fiancé’s name is Jake, originally from Louisiana, and he is a great match for Nichole.  They are recently engaged with no specific wedding date set as of yet, but their desire is to be married on the beach somewhere.  Sounds great to me.

She graduated with a degree in interior design, and shortly after, through divine appointments, was offered a short term employment gig with the state.  This led to an offer for full time employment with the State of Oklahoma which includes a great benefits package.  We are so proud of her and her accomplishments over the last years and know great things are in store for her and Jake as they forge their future together. 

Nichole came to see me just as the diagnosis was established and surgery was planned.  It meant so much to have her here as I recovered as she blessed me with her wonderful smile and love at a very critical time.

Heather turned 25 this year.  She and Brian have been together for 6 or 7 years.  I am a little bit foggy as to the exact amount of time, but needless to say an engagement is welcome.  She graduated with a degree in Psychology with a minor in science and is planning to take the dental school entrance exam soon.  She has wanted to be a dentist for some time so we are hoping for a good result.   

Heather was here to visit over the Thanksgiving Holidays.  It was a joy to have her here at that time.  I was recovered from the surgery and was able to enjoy her presence.  She has such a happy personality and is a joy to have around. 

Our oldest son Clint is now 16, a junior at Shadow Mountain High, and is looking forward to driving.  Police officer Uncle Steve has taken him out for a driving lesson, and from what I heard it was all about driving backwards.  Must have been fun. 

Clint is playing baseball.  The season is in full swing with at least two games per week and practices the other days.  He loves the game and I love that he does.  He took time off during fall ball to spend more time with me, missing a tournament in California.  That was a sacrifice for him and a blessing to me. 

Matthew, aged 15, is also at Shadow Mountain.  He is on the tennis team which makes Vanessa, and me, but especially Vanessa, very happy.  We are delighted that he found a sport that suits him.  His goal is to someday beat her (Vanessa) in tennis.  I don’t see that happen in the near future.  Tennis is her game after all.

Matt’s real passion is not necessarily tennis, but more likely music, specifically guitar.  He plays all the time, learning new songs with a pace and completeness that amazes me.  His favorite band by far is “Switchfoot”, but likes the American classic rock music and so called alternative music as well (whatever that really is).

Now on to my beloved bride, Vanessa, what can I say to express what she has meant to me over the years, but especially in this new reality in which we find ourselves?  There aren’t words available to me that can fully articulate what my heart wants to say.  She has accommodated her life to my illness in love and encouragement.  Notice how that word encouragement has the word courage in it?  The concepts of bravery, nerve, valor and audacity are represented in the concept of courage, and Vanessa displays all of these as she stands with me in the battle.

Vanessa loves me through the tough days of chemo symptoms without giving in to my tendency to whine.  She just gives me compassion and understanding.  Not enabling, but wise in advise is she in the midst of my complaints.  With an abundance of love she manages her day in accordance to the demands of family life in which I am not able to always be fully involved. 

She is still teaching Special Ed LD at Sunset Canyon Elementary School.  It seems to get harder every year with all the cutbacks in education due to the lack of funds available to the state within the context of the current economic conditions in Arizona.

Well, this is a short catch-up on the family.  We are doing well and really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers for us in this season of life.

Grace and peace,

EL

Unless the Lord Builds the House

Psalm 127: 1-4

1 Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.  2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.  3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.  4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.

Hope in necrosis?

Hope is a precious commodity, one in which you cannot possibly place a value on, or have enough of.  This is especially true for those in life situations where sometimes the rays of hope are all that encourage the soul and give an expectation of life in the future.  I continue to hold to that hope, and for good reason.  The object of my hope is God.  No matter what happens in regards to the disease that I fight I have great expectation for my future.  As Peter tells us in his first epistle, chapter 1, verses 20 and 21, that Jesus was made manifest for the sake of us, who through him are believers in God, and that our faith and hope are in God himself who raised him from the dead and gave him glory.  

I do have hope and the expectation of living due to the results of the most recent (March 17) scans. They show that, although the tumors have not shrunk as much as they did in the last scan, the cells are dying from within the core of the tumor.  This cell death is called necrosis.  While necrosis is not something you want in normal, healthy cells, it is desirable in cancerous cells.  The area of cell death is substantially larger in these most recent scans than in the previous ones (2 months ago).  It looked to me, and my oncologist, that the cell death within the tumor was twice the size as was seen in the the Jan. scan. This is what is supposed to happen within the protocol of the clinical trial that I am involved in and I am well pleased.  One bit of disappointing news is that the tumor has not released, or retreated from, the major veins that it is wrapped around.  This makes surgery not an option, at least for now.


So, although I agree with Paul's declaration in his letter to the Philippians, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain," I have hope springing forth, as we move into that season, for life, and it abundantly.  Please pray that I will continue to experience each day with joy, even those that are not so easy to be joyful in.  Pray for continued success with the treatment plan and a proper perspective on the future.


Peace and grace and hope,


EL


Romans 5: 1-2
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith in the grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Transylvanian woods

Today is Friday.   This week marks the end of the fourth cycle of chemotherepy.  I am exhausted, and I have been virtually all week.  The reason for this is two-fold.

First, the initial pre-med that I receive prior to chemo is designed to minimize the side-effects of the treatment.  It wears off after the second day (Tuesday) leaving me defenseless.  Well not exactly defenseless as I have these little pills that do a remarkable job with the nausea issues.  But I still must deal with the other consequences of treatment which manifest themselves in the form of extreme fatigue and sores in areas of your anatomy that are not easy to attend to.

The second reason for the exhaustion is the cumulative effects of the drugs.  As I have ended the fourth course I have the residual accumulation of the current course along with the courses proceeding this.   This plays havoc on the immune system.  I had to get a blood transfusion last week as some blood factors were rather low.  Hope I didn't get any Transylvanian blood.  I will monitor my tooth size and appetite for red liquids.  I couldn't help thinking about the time that I spent wandering the Romanian Transylvanian forests, half expecting around any bend would be a Dracula or Vlad the Impaler type.

This reminds me of how much I love Romania.  What a miracle of God's providential will is  the movement of the Spirit in that beautiful country.  The churches and bible institutions are a testament to God wooing and protecting his church within the most oppressive of conditions under Nicolae Ceaușescu.

So, I now have 2 more cycles within the protocol of the clinical trial.  I will be undergoing scans next week to verify the efficacy of the treatment program.  I would ask all to pray for continued shrinkage of the tumor and death to the cells themselves (cell suicide).  Pray also that my body will recover enough that the next two cycles will be possible. 

Grace and Peace

EL

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures in earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Randomization and the Cray Supercomputer.

     When one participates in a clinical trial one is placed in one of several groups.  In my case there are three of these groups.  One group receives the standard chemotherapy (gemcidabine) with none of the trial drug (TH302), another group receives the chemo along with a dosage of the trial drug, and the third receives the standard chemo followed by an even larger dosage of the trial drug.  This process of assigning one to a group is supposed to be completely at random.  It's kind of like throwing all the names of the lab rats, I mean patients, in a hat, and drawing them out at random without looking, then placing them in one of the three groups, in equal numbers.  This process should be fairly straightforward except that it appears to me that Mayo chose to rent time on the Cray Supercomputer to make this randomization process completely random.
     I was placed in group two--the group that got chemo and the lower dose of the TH302.  This was good as the reason for my going to Mayo was to be able to participate in the clinical trail of this new therapy.  Things were going along good for the first two cycles.  The side effects mere minimal and I felt so good most of the time that I would joke with those in charge of following the participants, asking them if they were really giving me anything.
     This sense of chemo invulnerability was to end very shortly.  At the start of cycle three I was informed that the interpretation of the results of the Cray Supercomputer randomization was in error, that I was actually randomized into the group with the highest dose of the trial drug, and starting on that day I was going to receive this new dosage.  My first thought was, "How can this be...this is Mayo, they can't make mistakes with a process that is at the level of drawing names out of a hat."  Followed shortly by the thought, "This is great, if the lower dosage was good, then the mega dose will do mega better."
     Whether or not this regimen will do better is uncertain at the time of this writing.  One thing is for sure--it is kicking my arse (as they say in Scotland).  The side effects that were relatively unknown by me before, have now made their presence known, and how!  Fatigue, especially on the second through the fourth days following treatment, is the most prominent of these side effects.  Nausea, fevers, headaches and dry skin/sores are other symptoms resulting from the strong chemicals that course through my body.  The blood cell, hemoglobin, platelet counts are showing the effects of the "re-randomization."  
     So, this then is where I am now.  This all makes me more "irritable," but Vanessa doesn't let me get away with too much.  How did I get so lucky to have God put her in my life?  You know the saying--"I married much better than my wife."
     I write this from Mayo as I wait between treatments.  I am so looking forward to finishing up (about an hour) and going home. May the peace of God guard your hearts as well as mine.


Grace and Peace,
EL




Philippians 4:8    
     "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Markers on the calendar of my life.

     There are certain dates that have become markers on the calendar of my life, whereby events in the chronology of life are recalled in relation to these important days.  In other words, as I look back, in my minds eye, at periods or single events of my past, they are remembered in relation to these seminal events.  "Oh yes, that happened before ______, or that season of my past occurred after, and perhaps in response to  ______," I might think to myself.  My past is ordered according to these dates. They are few, but life changing.
     One such date was the day of my mother's death, December 12, 1978.  I had never experienced a day like this before, nor have I since.  My emotions were brutally ravaged that day, and for many days after, as I witnessed the closest example of Christ literally living in human flesh being taken out of my life.  This began a several year period of troubled questioning of everything she taught me about my Heavenly Father, and His goodness and love.  A period of which I came out of with an even stronger faith and certainty of His providential will being forged out of the unexplainable sadness of the reality of death.  This is a story that deserves its own time, and perhaps I will give it that in the future.
     Another marker is the day I got married.  God blessed me with His best in the person of my wife, Vanessa.  She has truly shown me the meaning of unconditional love both for me and the children.  This date, June 4, 1993, certainly is a life changing one.  Again, like the story of the redemption of my faith through the tragedy of my mother's death, I must tell this story, but in another blog.
     The most recent of these dates, and the point of this writing, is the date of October 3, 2010.  This is the day that the doctors told me, and Vanessa, that I had (what they call) a terminal disease, specifically pancreatic cancer.  I cannot adequately put into words how this diagnosis affected me and my family over the next 24 hours or so.  For me, it was like taking all my emotions, the hopes of the future, the desires of growing old with the ones I love, and putting them in a blender, on high speed, and then handing it back to me and saying "Here, do something with this."  
     Well, by golly, I have done something with this.  I decided first that the doctors don't always know everything.  I decided that I was going to live according to the reality that I wasn't going anywhere until God says so.  I decided that living with the ever present knowledge of the reality of my mortality is a good way to live. I decided to live!
     Now, don't get me wrong.  I all too well realize the severity of my disease and the statistical prognosis of those who suffer with it.  It has perhaps the worst survivability of all the cancers, mainly due to the typical late diagnosis, and therefore a late stage in the progression of the cancer. 
     Mine is a stage III, non-resectable (couldn't be removed surgically), localized, adenocarcenoma of the pancreas. The tumor had completely blocked the duodenum, so I couldn't pass food through the stomach to the intestines.  Since living without being able to eat is not a pleasant thought, I underwent a complex bypass surgery within a week of the diagnosis. Though recovery was not free from difficulty, it was well worth it as I can now eat anything I want, even that which I shouldn't.  
     I am on a relatively strict diet of which I constantly, according to Vanessa, whine about.  It is a simple food plan; everything that tastes good I cannot have, and anything that is green, leafy, has no calories, and actually consumes more calories in the eating than provides in its substance, I should eat--in abundance.  Now, I am a pizza boy.  I love pizza.  I used to be able to consume vast quantities of pizza in one sitting, like 15-20 pieces.  Come to think of it, maybe that is why I have cancer now.  Anyway, pizza is no longer on the menu.  Although, I have cheated.  It felt so good to cheat.  It was on Super Bowl Sunday, and I had three pieces of the forbidden.  I must admit that the anticipation of the eating was very powerful, but the actual eating was rather unspectacular, especially for a pizza boy.
     Getting back to the disease, after recovery from the surgery, I heard of a clinical study being done by the Mayo Clinic regarding specifically pancreatic cancer.  After a series of tests I was found to be eligible to participate.  This treatment entails two infusions per visit.  One drug (the first) is the study drug, followed two hours later by the standard gemcitabine chemotherapy. I have completed 3 series of this treatment at this point, and will begin the fourth on Monday the 21st.  A series consists of three weeks of treatment (Monday infusions), followed by one week of rest.  I have seen positive results from this regimen with shrinkage of the tumor along with cell death within the center of the tumor.
     I would like to acknowledge all those who have loved me and my family over these last few months.  You have done it so well in so many ways.  Thank you.
     So, this is the latest, and perhaps most profound marker on my life's calendar.  I will continue, with great joy, on the path that my Father has set my feet on, not one of my choosing, but of His.


Grace and Peace,
Eddie


Romans 8:18;  For I consider that the sufferings if this present time are not worth comparing with the glory this is to be revealed in us.

Romans 8:38-39; For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Why himmelblick?

Himmelblick means sky view or, more to the point of my choice of this name, heaven view.  I find myself seeing this world with a view toward heaven a lot these days.  Let me explain.  A few months ago, after some six weeks of not feeling quite right physically, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  This really rocked my world, but as I came to a resolution of this new reality, I started to operate in this world with a real sense of what comes next--thus a himmelblick.  Now I don't plan on leaving this world soon, but my perspective of the brevity of our current physical life on planet Earth, whether it is 25 or 125 years, and the eternal nature of the next world is constantly at the forefront of my thinking and decision making.  For this blessing in perspective I am grateful.  

This all means that I now want to live my life in a fashion that has eternal impact and meaning, a heavenly viewpoint; not storing for me treasures in this life, but laying up for myself treasures in heaven for there is where my heart will be also, as Jesus said.  So thus my heart is now set.  I desire to love better, to listen with intent, and to look with wonderment. Wishing to engage those that God places in the path of my life not so much with a temporal disposition, but with an eternal one is my desire. 

So--himmelblick.  Maybe this short rambling is somewhat explicative of the reason for my choosing this word.  I feel like a ship that is sailing on current that is not of its choosing, that has steered it off its intended course. I am choosing to engage in this adventure fully and with joy, knowing where it is taking me ultimately, whether that is in a couple of years or 30 years.

This  blog is intended to update, for my family and friends, this adventure.  So I say bon voyage Eddie.