Aug scan results

The scan results are in, and it is not exactly what I wanted to hear.  There is the good news that the tumor has not increased in size and there is no spread to other areas of my body, but the tumor has substantially increased in it's activity.  The PET scan showed a brighter uptake which is a move in the wrong direction.  This is disturbing in that I was hoping for continuing movement in the direction of dormancy and shrinkage so that there might be the hope of treatment modification or secession in the near future.  I began my ninth course of treatment yesterday.

This kind of news brings about a trust test.  Do I really trust God in the midst of this cauldron of agitated thoughts and emotions.  I know that in the long term, yes, absolutely I do for: "The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup, you hold my lot,  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5 & 6)  David continues a couple of verses later: "Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices, my flesh also dwells secure.  For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption." (vs 9 & 10)


It is in the short term that I sometimes struggle.  I want so much to be able to leave the life of chemotherapy, and the symptoms that alter my life, behind.  But when I receive news such as yesterday's it takes a little bit out of me.  I ask "When, O God, when will I be able to see a light at the end of this treatment tunnel?"  I think he tells me that it is not for me to know or to have too high an expectation.  It is for me to walk through it, with Him holding my hand, trusting in His providential will for my life.  Sometimes this is hard within the context of day to day living with this disease.   So I pray, "God give me the faith I need to fully trust you every day, in every moment." 


So as I wait upon the LORD is take comfort in the word of Isaiah as he says: "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.


Grace and peace,


Eddie
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Birthday Installment

Wow, another year on the calendar of my life today.  I'm double nickels.  God has been so gracious throughout this difficult time. 

As I reflect on this trying season of life I appreciate what David wrote in the 23rd Psalm with a sense of experience.  He writes, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  I have, and continue to, walk in that valley of the very real shadow of death, yet I am comforted by him as I read his word and speak with him in prayer.  This is living in the constant reality of my desperate need for God.

David finishes the Psalm with the glory of the promise. With these words he provides us with an insight to the glory coming, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of  the LORD forever".  Amen I say, Amen!  Such a blessed hope we have in the promise of God through Jesus.
 
As I write this it is 2:00 am.  I have not been able to sleep and yet in the reflection of this Psalm I am comforted and at peace.  Sometimes it is difficult to shut the mind down thinking about the future but the promises of God are real and true providing life lessons on trust in the midst of trials.  And how I trust him.

Hope everyone has a great day today.  May goodness and mercy follow you.  I look forward to next year's birthday installment. 


Grace and peace,
Eddie