Aug scan results

The scan results are in, and it is not exactly what I wanted to hear.  There is the good news that the tumor has not increased in size and there is no spread to other areas of my body, but the tumor has substantially increased in it's activity.  The PET scan showed a brighter uptake which is a move in the wrong direction.  This is disturbing in that I was hoping for continuing movement in the direction of dormancy and shrinkage so that there might be the hope of treatment modification or secession in the near future.  I began my ninth course of treatment yesterday.

This kind of news brings about a trust test.  Do I really trust God in the midst of this cauldron of agitated thoughts and emotions.  I know that in the long term, yes, absolutely I do for: "The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup, you hold my lot,  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5 & 6)  David continues a couple of verses later: "Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices, my flesh also dwells secure.  For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption." (vs 9 & 10)


It is in the short term that I sometimes struggle.  I want so much to be able to leave the life of chemotherapy, and the symptoms that alter my life, behind.  But when I receive news such as yesterday's it takes a little bit out of me.  I ask "When, O God, when will I be able to see a light at the end of this treatment tunnel?"  I think he tells me that it is not for me to know or to have too high an expectation.  It is for me to walk through it, with Him holding my hand, trusting in His providential will for my life.  Sometimes this is hard within the context of day to day living with this disease.   So I pray, "God give me the faith I need to fully trust you every day, in every moment." 


So as I wait upon the LORD is take comfort in the word of Isaiah as he says: "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.


Grace and peace,


Eddie
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Birthday Installment

Wow, another year on the calendar of my life today.  I'm double nickels.  God has been so gracious throughout this difficult time. 

As I reflect on this trying season of life I appreciate what David wrote in the 23rd Psalm with a sense of experience.  He writes, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  I have, and continue to, walk in that valley of the very real shadow of death, yet I am comforted by him as I read his word and speak with him in prayer.  This is living in the constant reality of my desperate need for God.

David finishes the Psalm with the glory of the promise. With these words he provides us with an insight to the glory coming, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of  the LORD forever".  Amen I say, Amen!  Such a blessed hope we have in the promise of God through Jesus.
 
As I write this it is 2:00 am.  I have not been able to sleep and yet in the reflection of this Psalm I am comforted and at peace.  Sometimes it is difficult to shut the mind down thinking about the future but the promises of God are real and true providing life lessons on trust in the midst of trials.  And how I trust him.

Hope everyone has a great day today.  May goodness and mercy follow you.  I look forward to next year's birthday installment. 


Grace and peace,
Eddie

San Clemente mini-holiday

Vanessa and I had the opportunity to take in the cool ocean breezes of San Clemente California last week for a short mini-holiday (3 days).  I can't tell you how refreshing this was, especially for me.  The girls had plans for a vacation in So. California to escape the scorching Oklahoma heat, so we decided, on kind of a whim, to meet them there for a few days. I was in the middle of the eighth course of treatment but felt rejuvenated by the eternal rhythm of the Pacific Ocean, the fresh, cool air and being in the company of those I love. Our souls were refreshed as we soaked up the precious gift of being together in a beautiful setting that reminded us of God's love in creation and His care for us.

While we were enjoying our little sojourn, the boys were at church high school camp in, of all places, Malibu, California.  So the whole family had a little beach time and we all are so grateful for it.  Matt and Clint had a wonderful time of fun, games, playing in the ocean and spiritual development. 

I am currently between treatments awaiting scans this week, Wednesday, August 3rd.  This can be a rather nerve wrecking time as you always wonder if all you go through is having a positive effect on the disease.  Please pray for me as I anticipate the scans, for good results, and for developing a plan for future treatment, which is rather open-ended at this time.  I am scheduled for course nine starting August 9th., which is the same day that I find out the results of the scans.  


I will update this blog after I learn of the results of the scans.  No matter the results I remind myself of a saying that my friend John Maisel always said: life is hard, God is good, and glory is coming.


Grace and Peace to all.


Eddie

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Sun's hot, Summer's on...

Wow, this month has just flown by.  We returned form our Texas/Oklahoma wanderings followed shortly by a weekend in Flagstaff for Eddie and Vanessa, and a short trip to San Diego to see "Switchfoot" in concert for the boys and their cousin.

Course seven of "camp chemo" has been completed this past Monday.  Since being removed from treatment for six weeks and slowly having the residual effects dissipated over the course of that time, I was just beginning to feel normal, or as normal as I have felt within the past 9 months.  Well, it didn't take long to find myself back in the all too familiar world of chemo symptoms and their ability to restrict your activities to those that would be familiar to a three-toed sloth.


Clint is off tomorrow for work camp at Mountain Meadows outside of Payson on the Mogollon RIm.  It should be beautiful up there in cool pines and away from the incessant glowing nuclear orb affixed directly over our house bringing temperatures not fitted for man nor beast nor devil from hell.


We are coming close to the celebration of the founding of our great nation and the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  May we keep the intent and purpose of our revolution close to our hearts as we celebrate another year of American freedom under the greatest of governments founded under republican structure and form in history.  May God's blessing remain on us throughout this coming year.  


Matthew 5:14-16;  "You are the light of the world,  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden,  15  Nor do people light a lamp and put in under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  16  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."


May we Americans remember, especially during this time of reflection and celebration, to be that light of the world in righteousness for the glory of our Father in Heaven. 


Peace and Grace


EL

Texas travels.

The sun has "riz" and the sun has set, and here I is, in Texas yet.  Yes, this is the old saying that kept coming to mind as I, and the family, traversed the miles and miles of openness of west Texas on our way to Dallas, and our much looked forward to reunion with family.  Well, we made it, after an overnight in Big Spring, in time for a festive and enjoyable Memorial Day with friends and kin.

It has been so good to get away from the routine of hospitals, doctors and treatments of the past 8 months or so.  It's like living a regular life.  And I have come to appreciate a regular life like never before.  We are staying with my folks (Ed and Norma) which has been great, especially for the boys who don't get to see grandma and grandpa very often.  Ed got "fired" from hospice as his condition has not worsened over the past year. It is actually a good thing when hospice takes away their hospital bed and says you are no longer in a condition that requires their services, although he does miss the weekly massages.

We leave for Oklahoma on Saturday for a few days with Nichole and Heather.  We haven't seen them for many months so we are looking forward to our time with them.  It will be a good time to catch up and see their new living accommodations.  Both have different homes than the last time we were there.  It will be a most joyous time!

God has been so good to us on this trip.  Please pray for continued travel safety and that I will be able to not lose ground on my condition.  I have been off treatment for almost 5 weeks now and am feeling almost back to normal with few treatment related issues, just a little residual nausea.  It is harder to maintain a fairly strict self-determined diet while on the road and visiting, but I have managed--with a little "cheating."  That cheating tasted so good.  Some ham, a little potato, a bite of bratwurst--so delicious!

That's it for now.  Hope the summer is going well for all.  I pray God's blessing on you.

Grace and peace,

Eddie

A needed break

Well, since my last blog I have completed the sixth course of chemotherapy, and have had the scans (CT and PET) that follow every other course.  It’s been two weeks since my last treatment and I am still not fully recovered from the side effects, but my doctor said that I could take a full month off to allow my body some time to recover.  Yippee!!!  I will resume treatments on the 13th of June.

We are going to take advantage of this time by taking the trip to Texas to see my family, and up to Oklahoma to see the girls.  We hope to depart on Saturday the 28th of May as school is out that week.

The results of last Friday’s scans (13 May) were positive.  While the CT scan showed little, if any, shrinkage of the tumor, the PET showed a substantial decrease in activity.  This scan shows what the cancer is doing and if it has spread anywhere else in the body.  Areas where the cancers are vigorous are “lit up” in this scan.  In comparing this scan with the last PET scan there was a dramatic decrease in the brightness and size of this “lit up” area, and there has been no spread of the cancer, which is always a concern.  I would say that if in the previous scan the brightness of this area was like a 100 watt bulb, the current scan seemed, to my unprofessional, but very hopeful eye, to be like perhaps a 40 watt bulb.  Words like dormant and inactive were used by my oncologist in regard to the current stage of the cancer. 

It looks like I can stay with the Mayo treatment plan as long as I want to, and as long as the results of treatment continue to be positive.  That's the news on the health front.

In my scripture reading today I came across Psalm 62: 5-8 which reads as follows:

          For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

                   for my hope is from him.

          He only is my rock and my salvation,

                   my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

          On God rests my salvation and glory,

                   my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

          Trust in him at all times, O people;

                   pour out your heart before him;

                   God is a refuge for us.

This speaks of God as being our hope, our fortress and our refuge.  From Him comes our salvation and glory,  As I realize this about Him I can trust Him with me, allowing my soul to take comfort in Him alone.  As I contemplate this psalm I am reminded of the great hymn of the faith “A Mighty Fortress” by Martin Luther which begins with the words: “A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing.”  He truly is never failing.

Grace and peace,

EL

My strength

Himmelblick 4.20.11

It’s been a while since I updated this blog, so I would like to let you all know what is happening with me.  This Monday I started my sixth course of chemotherapy.  It will end with a Monday, May 2^nd treatment.  Initially it was communicated to me that the trial was to be through six courses, which ends soon.  But now they are talking about planning a seventh, and beyond that I don’t know.  In any case I need to consider what comes after the trial.  I don’t know if at some point the administrators will decide that my contribution to the trial protocol is complete, or if they would allow me to continue on indefinitely, at my will.

The effects of the treatments seem to be cumulative in that each course gets harder and harder to recover from.  In fact, I never fully recovered between the fifth and this course.  The fatigue never went away, nor did the fevers.  No complaints from me though, I am just so happy to have this day, although I do, at times, get a little testy. 

We are hoping to make a trip to Texas and Oklahoma after the boys are out of school for the summer.  It will be great to see family and I desperately need a break from treatment to allow my body to recover.

I have been reading Psalm 18, and it speaks to me in my trust of God in this time of uncertainty.  The first six verses go like this:

         

I love you, O LORD, my strength

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompass me,

the torrents of destruction assailed me,

the cords of Sheol entangled me,

the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the LORD,

to my God I cried for help

From his temple he heard my voice,

and my cry to him reached his ears.

I am indeed in a time of distress as the “cords of death” and the “torrents of destruction” of this disease do encompass me.  But in this time of trouble and insecurity I call to him who hears and loves me.  He is my deliverer, both temporal and eternal, and I can place the full weight of my trust in him.  It is he who is worthy to be praised, especially in the midst of this troublesome season of life.  He is the strength that allows me to continue on this path, even in joy.  So I say, as does David in this Psalm, “I love you, O LORD, my strength”

Grace and Peace
EL